The Do's And Don'ts Of After-dinner Speaking
The Age
Tuesday November 29, 1994
I'M JUST a boy who can't say no. Ring me after lunch and I am yours.
After-dinner speech? ``No problem!" Tasting for charity? ``Where do I start?" Wine the movie? ``I'll lose 10 kilos."
I should learn to switch the phone off after the end of lunch (4.30pm) but usually I'm in such good humor that I feel like talking to the world. That's where I get into trouble.
It's painless to commit to a function months in advance but by the time the due date dawns, I'm usually saying, ``Why did I say yes?" I make the mistake of asking only enough to cover my expenses and for a donation to charity. I have a theory that it sells books and it is a way of giving something back to the wine industry. As I said, it's only a theory. Sometimes when the chemistry is wrong, I do more harm than good.
After-dinner speaking to wine groups is an interesting experience.
After all these years, I still get a tad nervous. I usually start with the notion ``You wouldn't trust an anorexic cook, so what about a sober wine writer?" That usually covers my condition at the time.
After all these years it's interesting to note that little has changed. Many people are still intimidated by wine. Most people take it too seriously. It's only squashed grapes, for God's sake.
Serious wine groups are pure torture to an after-dinner speaker bent on having a good time and a decent drink. Stand in front of obsessed folk who are worried about the pH of the glass in front of them, and you can well ask, ``Why did I agree to this?" There is no point in telling them they are missing the point. Wine is meant to be a pleasure, but that's an unwelcome notion to people who like to worry about the stuff. Wine is serious! For those contemplating taking up the cause, I've developed a survival guide that boils down to a series of DON'Ts.
For example, don't do Brisbane! If you discount the minuscule output from the granite belt, Brisbane has no wine industry and wine is a relatively recent discovery. It's not really the climate for red wine but they drink it with a passion at blood temperature. They don't want their wines trivialised.
Don't do Canberra. Although Canberra has a wine industry, it has exacerbated rather than relieved wine paranoia. Canberra wine makers are a bit like Catholics in heaven - they think they are the only people there.
Canberra wine dots are usually working on their second degree, take life seriously and drink seriously. It's not that they have a drinking problem, they have a problem drinking - they can't drink without thinking. If you have to speak, don't bother with jokes, stick to the technical jargon.
Don't do all-male wine clubs. Testosterone-driven wine clubs take wine into gladiatorial realms. They mask the wines and play silly guessing games. And guess who is meant to look silly? The guest speaker."
Don't do football clubs. Makka, Chook and Donger are always in the back row, sneaking out for a can of Vic and coming back to pass what they believe are witty asides like ``Plonk is for poofs" and ``Blokes drink beer, sheilas drink rose." (pronounced like the flower).
Don't do Tasmania and criticise Tasmanian wine. That's like telling a proud parent their daughter is ugly.
It's not all don't. There are some positives. Do any function in Adelaide and make sure you talk mildly dirty. Adelaide folk are used to wine and don't take it too seriously.
Do any Sydney function. They don't really care about wine but love a good time. Talk as dirty as you like. They answer back in spades.
Do any all-female group. There will be a lot less posturing than all- male affairs. The women who attend have come to the realisation that women are the real power in wine-buying."
That's just a few pointers. If you like a quiet life you won't get into the caper in the first place.
© 1994 The Age